trusting with my life


often people make the observation of trust. “wow you trust people so well” and equally “people trust you so well”. apart from me not really knowing what that means I would like to enlighten upon the idea that there are two obvious types of trust, beyond which could be broken down further.

type one: trust with my life. – I would trust you with my life –
I guess it took me till now to finally pull that statement apart, because honestly, if you think about human nature, even animalistic nature, oh gosh – you could trust a dog with your life, because it is in the nature of life to support and defend other life. for most rational humans and many irrational ones – you can assume that if you are drowning in a swimming pool and they can – within reason (i.e. they can swim) – save you, they will. because that’s what we do, we don’t stand idly by and let others die. So when it comes to trusting someone with my life – damn it – I assume they will reasonably be willing to dive in and get me from that pool.

leading on from this – if I find myself in a compromising position, threatened by an unusual situation – I can expect most people can stretch their respect for me into a willing to behave in defense of all other human’s safety. that’s rational – I trust my life in the hands of everyone – its what could be reasonably expected of people. what I dont necessarily trust is secrets.

trust two – trust you with my secrets –
nope. I dont think so. this is anything from what I had for breakfast (irrelevant) to exactly how to flare up the particular topics that will enrage me into a hulk-like-fury over a few words in the wrong direction.

reason being – trust type one. its implied and reasonable, the default action is to behave accordingly as to that which my trust is given. trust type two however, in a scenario where threats come out and risks begin to creep in around corners, the default action – guarding my secrets can be subdued by other motives. when push comes to shove – what if I dont need to take that risk.

my breakfast is not a particularly guarded secret, but the way my head works might be, the secret intricate way I think about things – thats pretty serious shit. if I dont need to put my secrets at risk – why would I? trust you with my life? flutter of a heartbeat. trust you with my secrets. No.

what makes it so easy to get along with me is that I can so easily understand this fact (not by thinking it through every moment; just be being it), my life in your hands – do what you like with the power you have been given – I assume the best of people until conclusively proven otherwise. and as for my secrets – I guess if you didn’t know them then you would be hard pressed to figure out what you are missing. maybe this makes most of my life a façade, but its one in which I feel safest and most able to get along with the greatest mass of everyone that is possible.

until next time… my life forever in your hands, but my secrets go to the grave with me.


on productivity


I am so angry at me! So angry!

In the case of now. Exams are here, life is and will be coming to and end if I can’t get this book into my head and my eye-sockets just aren’t big enough to squeeze a 700 page A4 textbook through them.

SO angry!

why? why does it take until now? the end of another 13 week semester before I finally turn my arse around and realise that “oh god there is just no time” if I could go back to six weeks ago – I dont even remember what I did six weeks ago, and tell myself – there is NO TIME. you MUST be more productive! Time is of the essence. for a few months now, since I thought of the idea, I have been telling people often – “a lot can happen in a month, a lot can happen in a week, a lot can happen in a few hours, or even a few minutes”, and its true. a lot can happen in a matter of hours. you can fall in love in a week. you could make millions in the right day. so many seconds wasted, and here I am, reminding myself that I only have me to blame. when I wonder what I did last month, and I wonder why I have so much to do this week. I can turn around and at least I know where to point the finger.

as a great movie one suggested, “if you are looking for the guilty, you need only look so far as a mirror”

today I plan (and remember – plans are often bad ideas) to be more productive. actually get shit started in here and never look back.

angry is not the word. resolute should be the word. I need to take less sleep and more time to get things done. Today I become a busy person like yesterdays man would be in awe of.

until next time… you can sleep when you’re dead

on birthdays…


so is it? its unusual to consider a birthday. what is it? why is it useful? relevant? valuable?

should mine mean more than other people’s?

well wow. my birthday means to me – that its been a year. a whole year since the last one. unfortunately we dont have the benefit of every single day being able to recall what was last year on this day and as a fact of that it becomes hard to recall change over time, partially because it it so gradual. but at least – every year, a birthday can be a day when I can say: its been a year. I remember thinking back last year, what about this year. time to think back. in that way they are almost like new-years’s, but a birthday does more than that. Me, I look forward. I want to make the next year better than the past, its not just the past and the one before that, I try not to be situated in the past or the future, but sometimes its good to look, its good to plan.

my birthday means that I should be doing more. I am one step closer to living forever and I need to spend it well. my now-until-forever.

I know that doesnt mean much but it will have to do because I cannot explain what a birthday is to me. next is step two.

I wonder how I treat birthdays of friends. and in truth – you only live once, you only birthday once a year. thats not a suggestion that we should all do things we regret on birthdays, but we should put in a little bit more effort to commemorate someone’s one day a year. or should we? (but thats a question for a different day)

why should it only be a birthday? the hell! every day is a day! every day is an epic day and being short of 150% amazing every single day is not good enough for this era of existence! we should be the best we can be. push HARDER, fight STRONGER, never gonna give you up. because, today only happened once. and once upon a time I dont want to be asking what should have happened yesterday.

until next time… plans are the enemy,



starters aside – I lost track of who reads this blog any more.

I know I have to study. I know it. its in my bones – a drive for learning, a strive to understand everything that I can. But. But I want to do it my way. that means that conventional education does not work for me. most of the time my way is reading things through at my own pace and working out the answers to things as I go.

I have an exam block coming up. 5 exams in a nice spaced out week and a half. –that is about two weeks from now. so what am I doing. am I studying now? not really. what I am doing now is letting myself get as far away from study as I can. because a part of me knows that I study best when put under the most pressure possible. and also –

the study conundrum. why I didn’t start here? pfft I don’t know.

lets pretend my ability on the upcoming exam is determined for a moment. if the outcome is:
a. fail
b. pass or
c. do very well D//HD
in the case of a. if I study now, if I study hard. I fail. all that work for nothing. I gave it my best and I failed. what now? I am useless at this. give up now right? right. stupidhead clearly. if I don’t study – well – I didn’t really study, didn’t know my stuff. failed. that’s life right? effort = reward. alright outcome clearly.
in the case of b. if I study now I only passed? I worked so hard and only came up with a pass. disappointed in myself. if however I do not study… hey – look at me! I didn’t study aaaand I did well – I passed. for no work at all I can pass this subject with what comes off the top of my head. go me – genius clearly.
in the case of c. and lets face it – if I don’t study I wont get very well. if I do study – I don’t think I can get here anyways. and if I did? it was probably a fluke. luck of the draw. or else – genius – clearly.

so in summary:
no study:
a: oh well life goes on. no effort = no reward.
b: woot I rule
c: (wont exist) [or question the validity of a uni degree]
a: failure = question all that I am.
b: just not good enough. doing all that work wasn’t worth it.
c: woot – I can do well if I try hard. but trying is hardddd.

no study gets me out overall happier. should I pick no study?

until next time… pondering

I dont wear shoes.


start with this post here:

I don’t wear shoes. its just a part of me now. and as I started reading this post about this “slightly-but-not-quite-rude question” people ask, I realised that just yesterday I had an encounter with that issue. “why don’t you wear shoes?” well in summary its my choice and its more comfortable and a few other small reasons etc. but overall cause I WANT TO. fact of the matter is – I don’t wear shoes and probably – if you have to ask then you missed something that I had when I grew up. some secret to life. some strange mystery reason for being. because wearing shoes is an integral part of life right? eeeeeeveryone wears shoes don’t they? don’t they?

I don’t know if maybe by doing something like this we set ourselves up for these “almost awkward questions” but maybe there is a way around it. but generally – people don’t ask the question if they intend to be a good friend. (not that they can’t ask, but maybe it doesn’t matter to a friend so much as it does to a stranger)

and in the end – who cares? what are the dangers? its not a drug, its not killing me any more than eating chocolate (possibly less) or having incredibly hot showers. so why should I justify? people dance – why do people do that? why do people read newspapers?

until next time…. shawoooooop wooop ooooop splooooooo

you’ve been thinking again


you have havent you… what did I tell you about thinking?

I said dont. Its a bad idea. Leave it to the experts. Maybe you get it, maybe you dont. But trust me. Leave it to the experts – understand that not everyone is good at thinking. You can do other things – let them be your passion – your joy. But dont get in our way when we just try to do what we are meant to. What we are good at.

so next time you plan on thinking… Dont. just dont.

no… not like that… not maybe. not kinda. DONT.

until next time… Just do. Dont think. Just do.

(P.S. also refer to the bureaucrats song from Futurama)

this is aesthetically pleasing


yes. it is. everything is. I stopped recently. the trees… I dont know – their very placement in the streets oddly made my silently remark “this is aesthetically pleasing”. maybe I am going mental (more on this later).

but everything is pleasing. its nice to know things are nice. I wonder if this makes my life useless – if I appreciate everything – how can I ever value anything. I mean ?!? the trees!! c’mon brain… I am very hopeful that your not some sort of doucheball… doubtfull every day.

in other news – a big deal is about to come to a close. thats right – and I am posting a blog post about it rather than enjoying it. why…? thats just me.



nuff said

nuff said.

bowie met jesus. who is alive now huh?!

until next time… watch this freakin movie (“labrynth”)

why this internet has a problem


just another reason

I like that – “just another reason” – not like there arent enough already.  but here goes.

but dont get me wrong.  this isn’t for me, this is for you.

good old chat systems.  from omegle to IRC and more.  I make friends.  I like doing that.  part of the reason I could be qualified to be a professional therapy personnel…  I talk a lil and listen a lot.

but anyway.  so heres the problem.  people -have- problems.  I know what your saying – what does this have to do with the internet?

people have serious problems – like these are the people that – if I met in person or knew this well in person – I would be performing some form of intervention… calling authorities, showing up to rescue them etc.  So. internet.  why have you concealed me to my standoffish stance as unlawful acts of abuse, molestation, rape, self-harm, drug abuse, alcaholism.  and not as of yet, but – suicides – occur around my field of metaphorical peripheral vision.

oh internet – why have you birthed yourself such a flaw.  and what can I do about this.  crying to an FML or GMH is useless and what could I do.  write a letter;

dear authority,

I have an extremely close aquaintance in your local area and/or country who is undergoing inhumane treatment/illegal activity.  I am writing to you to inform you of this in the hope that you can resolve it in some way, shape or form and thus make your country, and in turn the world a better place.

thank you for your time and willingness to hear my expressed concern.

sincerely and yours truly – always,



because I would like to say that I look out for the people I know, but the reality is: over the internet – everyone is powerless.

until next time… I’ve got a feeling



here goes day 2



Uliek ryte? zoimg totally!

well its a bit of fun

tell me what you think of it below in commenty goodness 🙂

until next scribble… SCRIBBLEEPIC!